Discovery of the Year!!

I hope someone gets to read carefully into this......
and gets to share this notion that may have just liberated me infinetly...

For all these years of being hindered.... All was needed to be instilled in me was the simple idea that...


Built up Fear is the Worst part of anticipated Pain.....

Simple yet the answer to all....I'll leave you with that to ponder upon....

But before i do so, allow me to just throw a few questions your way...
What is the use of life if it was not lived up with all that you own..?
If experiences were not received in full and granted a passage right through you....?
If you did not feel detached by the very fact that you were able to embrace....?
If you did not see the momentary gratification for what it is..?
If you did not know how to turn these treasured moments into a lifetime companion.... Just think about it, What is the use if you did not know how to keep by learning how to let go?

Make it meaningful by making it memorable.....
Allow it to get fullfilled by remembering its only temporary....

Glance at your past with a smile, live your present and future with a bigger one....

Enjoy....

A new Beginning

I was determined to have my first post of 2009 one that comes with a positive note..
Cynically i am grateful that i had a surfacing moment before the year decided to wrap up,
Im not sure what poetical attempts will flow but i just thought i would archive an uncovering or two that my year had brought on my plate so far,
Believable or not... my year has just told me that, a tearful smile is plausible... Fearful Risk is way overrated.. and maybe Cliche is in essence a bittersweet symphony all along....

I profoundly just found out that Euphoria isn't a mystical myth... nor only realized by a delirious mind...wow... but it is quite unreal to find out that your own formula of ecstasy can be comfortably relived virtually and indefinitely ..


I am so grateful to have lived much with a story to tell..


I don't know about the rest of the world but i am more than ready to acknowledge & admit that....
I'm not near perfect nor i want to be...
My life has simply unraveled into true friendships and everlasting loving family..
I am proud of what i am and of what i am yet to be...
I confidently define my mistakes ...and Regret is no longer part of my vocabulary

At the end of it all.... and putting all grand statements aside... i can easily admit that my daily happiness is simply summarized....in a fresh cup of coffee, an awakening breeze, a reflective moment, a whispered prayer, a hidden smile and a determined thought that today will hold nothing less rewarding than last....

SINFUL

Mai © Vagas, 2007

Emotional Awakening?

Why is it that every time i want to put some of my words down i realise that they are solely driven by a despaired thought....
I find it quite strange yet grateful that its at rock bottom my inspirations generally decide to skyrocket me up...
This surly can't be perceived as a negative point of view....
If disappointment is my only access to making things better then let it be..
Coming to think of it, disappointments seem to only be inflected when your inner reality has given up on you already... I'm NOT to give up...not again..not this time!
I believe that i will need to document this and perhaps this time remind myself that;
The Jigsaw pieces will all fit into one successful bigger picture one of these days, and until then all i need is to keep that up on the board, keep drawing my ever evolving map and be hopeful that life will continue to grant me all the room i need for my own personal growth...

Two weeks notice!

I believe i have two weeks..
Two weeks to make a difference,
Two weeks to ignite that overdue desired turnaround,
It just doesn't help when my thoughts can be rather perplexing, and i don't know for sure what truly triggers the best of them, other than, paradoxically speaking, the casual despair, the occasional challenge or the prolonged discontent...i don't know!!
Someone once said "happiness is only real when shared" i would say " happiness is only impeded when waited to be shared"
Two weeks to put those disguised destructive emotions aside,
Two weeks to get drawn to merely the best...
I HAVE Two weeks to put all this cynical probability to rest...

Forgive Me..

Another working week ahead before i take off to Athens...The thrill is mounting and i cant wait to see the girls...However, i wonder why i had inspiration for some rather gravitating thoughts....could be an idea to write them down and leave them behind...

As it stands;

I look around and i see you in every corner. How could you have possibly invaded my life, where i am only allowed in a minimal part of yours.

A lot of first times around you I agree. Did you however, ever think that it may also be my first time trying to stand in a place that is clearly not mine.

Yes i could be harsh when it comes to stating the reality of things, but isn't it harsh as it is to know that now or ever, my reality may never be yours.

Forgive me for i couldn't give you anything special on the day. I was told that whatever i had in mind had to come unplanned!!!

Then again, forgive me for i'm also not a strong believer in labeled occasions. It is the unlabeled that i anticipate for what it calls for.

For this one, It may have also been that i was thrown off by losing a chance to offer you the moon for a chance to watch the sun from the small frame of my room.

I may sound unfulfilled by the beauty of the simple things we own. Appreciation is never lost, but for me it is the stolen beauty of our counted moments that i firmly need to own.

I never thought I would one day be inconsiderate of the right time, but it also turns that at the right time i was perhaps never truly considered.

Beleive it or not, I catch myself at times refraining from speaking some of my deeper thoughts. Could you have known that it was never an attempt of dishonesty to you or even myself, but a simple, ironic yet true search of where that right moment could be found!

I know and understand that your hands are tied up in all this, and if i had known...Your hands wouldn't have had to be tied up at all..

Just let me know...

Something i came across in one of my old journals ( July 2003)....one of my earlier attempts in so called creative writing!!! thought an electronical/modified version of it could be of some value to me:

Yes Sure... Maybe sometime later?
Now tell me...does later mean somehow never??
or maybe is it your way of trying to be clever...
Tell me, is it in other words, time for you to be gone?
and maybe time for me to know that it is over and done...

Before you never see me fall apart and before I won't take anymore of this pain at heart...
and as i refuse to get caught up any longer in the this web of emotion...
Maybe you could just help me get a hold of this strange notion?

If you can't tell me what you want, then why not just let me know.....
Why did you decide to fail the test before you even take part??
Why am i punished for someone else's crime?
Or maybe is it that you didn't have enough time??

Could you be in so much hurt, in so much pain..
Could you possibly need a bit more time to regain what you could have lost deep inside...

If you only let me know...
For i am prepared to wait.. and no, neither of us would need to blame our loss on fate...
You know it is very possible for us to make our own...if only you are truly prepared to share and hold on ...
All you need to do is let me know... and i promise to love you, cherish you, and always care.

All I maybe need for now is just to know..
If i ever cross your thoughts..
If my name was even ever brought...

If you can no longer bear the pain...
and maybe if you ever want me to take the next plane...

If whatever we had is still there..
or has it simply became something to spare....

If you still remember how i smell..
or if at anytime you decide to move away from your shell..

You do also need to let me know ...
If to you, i am just a friend...
or is it worth sticking around till the end??

If you could ever be thinking of me right now...
or if you ever wonder if you could be with me somehow....

For all i care, you can even let me know...
If to you, it was just another game??
or maybe something for you to be of shame...

I can't help but reach to the conclusion that you are unsure of what you want me to know...
However, i'm in no doubt that you can just at least let me know...
Is it time for you to be gone?
or clearly about time for me to move on.....???

A clear addiction

Just got to new york, haven't even checked in yet....I feel like i've been traveling for the past 48 hrs... or maybe i have!!?
Oh well reflective moments dont know when it is right to hit... so allow me to share a few experimental thoughts i had on the plane;

May i convey that:
I could be addicted to anguish and pain..
I could be addicted to earning a lesson through sorrow...
I could be addicted to attracting the "can't haves"...
I could be addicted to you.

I could be addicted to the feel of remorse..
I could be addicted to the need for forgiveness...
I could be addicted to a place i once knew...
I could be addicted to you....

I could be addicted to a forbidden thought...
I could be addicted to a challenge once shot..
i could be addicted to a dream never fought...
I could be addicted to you...

I could be addicted to a burning tear...
I could be addicted to a defying fear...
I could be addicted to letting go...
I could simply be addicted to you...

No grand conclusions here, except that i could well be unforeseeably and unreachably really addicted to you....

A soft comeback...

Its been over a year now since i last posted my thoughts....
We seem to be so vigilant over time yet everyone of us seem to be running in a stampede...
i choose for this past year to be on mute...i figured silence is what i need...
I can see and hear some banging... whispering gestures behind the glass...wisely ignored and instead i choose to focus on what may seem delusional. I figured the act of deluding is what i need...

A year older in age....a false notion that insinuates nothing but another year of learnings, another year of earnings, another year of gained wisdom!

Never a Dead-end!

Mai © Cornwall, 2006

First post of the year..
Is there need to declare which resolution?
To myself, that I will keep!
Though I know something for sure,
I know that,
I will never look back,
I will never regret,
Lessons are carried and learned... but who is there to tell me what I have learnt!
You can feel disappointed, if it gives you ease!
For all I know I haven't once TRULY let you down ..but who is there to count what you see!
Need not to disassociate from my ties...but from now on, that will only be my shout!
To whoever contributed to my offence,
You are at no fault...
It’s never a dead-end... but you know what? It’s definitely Crossroads till the end.

The Games of your Life!

Mai © Doha, 2006

Boy.. i haven't blogged for over a month now...so bare with me if my writing got a bit rusty! It's been so hectic lately, a lot has been happening, yet all i can remember are my trips going to and back from work....!!!
I've started volunteering for the Doha Asian Games since mid last month, well ok..maybe putting me down as temporary paid staff is not exactly noble but hey i might as well frame their pay cheque & have it hung on the wall as a souvenir instead!
Truly though, its been a fulfilling experience, and to be honest just being a part of it was enough to make it worthwhile ..
Though my 12 hour shifts were getting to me ( still in recovery), and having a 7 day working week was an insane loop, but i guess it was all made up for by at least;
making new friends (australian/ greeks),
meeting new people (australian/ greeks),
working with interesting backgrounds ( aussies/greeks), lol
networking ;-),
walk in service into any match in the venue,
bumping into athletes...literally arrrrh ;-)

im truly gonna miss;
The crazy Egyptian crackheads ( love u guys ;-p) that got us on the floor every morning..
Our useless morning work/coffee meetings...
Bugging out our competition manager about how we need to sit with everyone to define roles, avoid duplicated work, and flipping try and work as one civilized team just for the last week at least...
The uncivilized, unplanned social gatherings we had in the corridors...
The tasteless al-dana lunches, or its even worse replacements at beniggins....
The morning goodies we got everyday at check ins....
Abusing the facilities after hours..
INspesction times...
The Silly tetra jokes while chasing one another on the radio...

Leaving jokes aside though, the games were a positive proof...not to mention how they were wrapped up beautifully during the closing ceremony and topped up with our victory in football..... Overall, we did a good job, Qatar did a good job...Well done and hats off, our country has come a long way its hard not to feel so proud!

Thank you God

Thank you Allah...Thank you for giving me the Ability to:

Think, Create & Imagine.
Challenge, Reach & Deliver.
Doubt, Trust & Conquer.
Sense, Experience & Endure.
Rebel, Escape & Ignore.
Love, Hate & Adore.
Relate, Accept & Surrender.
Forget, Forgive & Remember.


Thank you God for giving me the ability to Thank you!

Ze Land of Ze Dodo!

Eid in Mauritius was one interesting experience; besides being out of touch with my loved ones over some strange chokes my phone was having :-(, the rest of it was definitely worthwhile . Just got back last night and hated the fact that i had to be up and running from 6 am this morning. I think amongst the other highlights of this trip was definitely the start note and end note of "shopping till dropping" during our Dubai half day stops. These pics, however, might help put the rest of it into some slight perspective ;

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3 4
5

6

Mai © Mauritius, 2006

1. Accompanied by the dramatic, swinging hand gestures, the accent, the edgy fringe, the high pitched (everyone on the bus wake the hell up) kinda voice and the widest grin: "Welcome to Ze laaAAnd of Ze DodooOo, IT IS ze land of ze dodo... Ze Dead Dodo"
2. With a french hint:"And ofcourse finally, don't forget that mauritius is an island...So,You might find some visito'3s in your '3oom, we call zem Ghekos, or as you people would like to call zem Liza'3ds, Just dial numbe'3 4 and someone will come to take zem away!!!...Past the first night: "you mean someone with a long stick will crack the ceiling, add to the problem and literally take their lives away?!"
3. "What gear number are we on....WHAT gear number are we ON?..OH CRAP" ( a map flying all about, restricted windshield view, the wrong hand on the gear shift , a slipper caught up between the clutch and the break pedal, an abrupt mosquito bite itch,hands waving at eachother...a perfect view for the perverted, over-loaded, slow bus on the lefthand side!!!)
4. Trying to cool off in the ocean: "How did you find this beautiful coral? i was stepping on it."
5. Bullshit or full of Blue shit? we'll never know..
6. Well, Ha-excuse me, Im trying to create me own drink here and have it named after me....so do you mind?

Mai © Mauritius, 2006

Well done :-)

My Life has been so empty without you..:-(
Congradulations on starting your Masters though,You dont know how proud i am of you, keep up the hard work babe :-)