SINFUL

Mai © Vagas, 2007

Emotional Awakening?

Why is it that every time i want to put some of my words down i realise that they are solely driven by a despaired thought....
I find it quite strange yet grateful that its at rock bottom my inspirations generally decide to skyrocket me up...
This surly can't be perceived as a negative point of view....
If disappointment is my only access to making things better then let it be..
Coming to think of it, disappointments seem to only be inflected when your inner reality has given up on you already... I'm NOT to give up...not again..not this time!
I believe that i will need to document this and perhaps this time remind myself that;
The Jigsaw pieces will all fit into one successful bigger picture one of these days, and until then all i need is to keep that up on the board, keep drawing my ever evolving map and be hopeful that life will continue to grant me all the room i need for my own personal growth...

Two weeks notice!

I believe i have two weeks..
Two weeks to make a difference,
Two weeks to ignite that overdue desired turnaround,
It just doesn't help when my thoughts can be rather perplexing, and i don't know for sure what truly triggers the best of them, other than, paradoxically speaking, the casual despair, the occasional challenge or the prolonged discontent...i don't know!!
Someone once said "happiness is only real when shared" i would say " happiness is only impeded when waited to be shared"
Two weeks to put those disguised destructive emotions aside,
Two weeks to get drawn to merely the best...
I HAVE Two weeks to put all this cynical probability to rest...

Forgive Me..

Another working week ahead before i take off to Athens...The thrill is mounting and i cant wait to see the girls...However, i wonder why i had inspiration for some rather gravitating thoughts....could be an idea to write them down and leave them behind...

As it stands;

I look around and i see you in every corner. How could you have possibly invaded my life, where i am only allowed in a minimal part of yours.

A lot of first times around you I agree. Did you however, ever think that it may also be my first time trying to stand in a place that is clearly not mine.

Yes i could be harsh when it comes to stating the reality of things, but isn't it harsh as it is to know that now or ever, my reality may never be yours.

Forgive me for i couldn't give you anything special on the day. I was told that whatever i had in mind had to come unplanned!!!

Then again, forgive me for i'm also not a strong believer in labeled occasions. It is the unlabeled that i anticipate for what it calls for.

For this one, It may have also been that i was thrown off by losing a chance to offer you the moon for a chance to watch the sun from the small frame of my room.

I may sound unfulfilled by the beauty of the simple things we own. Appreciation is never lost, but for me it is the stolen beauty of our counted moments that i firmly need to own.

I never thought I would one day be inconsiderate of the right time, but it also turns that at the right time i was perhaps never truly considered.

Beleive it or not, I catch myself at times refraining from speaking some of my deeper thoughts. Could you have known that it was never an attempt of dishonesty to you or even myself, but a simple, ironic yet true search of where that right moment could be found!

I know and understand that your hands are tied up in all this, and if i had known...Your hands wouldn't have had to be tied up at all..

Just let me know...

Something i came across in one of my old journals ( July 2003)....one of my earlier attempts in so called creative writing!!! thought an electronical/modified version of it could be of some value to me:

Yes Sure... Maybe sometime later?
Now tell me...does later mean somehow never??
or maybe is it your way of trying to be clever...
Tell me, is it in other words, time for you to be gone?
and maybe time for me to know that it is over and done...

Before you never see me fall apart and before I won't take anymore of this pain at heart...
and as i refuse to get caught up any longer in the this web of emotion...
Maybe you could just help me get a hold of this strange notion?

If you can't tell me what you want, then why not just let me know.....
Why did you decide to fail the test before you even take part??
Why am i punished for someone else's crime?
Or maybe is it that you didn't have enough time??

Could you be in so much hurt, in so much pain..
Could you possibly need a bit more time to regain what you could have lost deep inside...

If you only let me know...
For i am prepared to wait.. and no, neither of us would need to blame our loss on fate...
You know it is very possible for us to make our own...if only you are truly prepared to share and hold on ...
All you need to do is let me know... and i promise to love you, cherish you, and always care.

All I maybe need for now is just to know..
If i ever cross your thoughts..
If my name was even ever brought...

If you can no longer bear the pain...
and maybe if you ever want me to take the next plane...

If whatever we had is still there..
or has it simply became something to spare....

If you still remember how i smell..
or if at anytime you decide to move away from your shell..

You do also need to let me know ...
If to you, i am just a friend...
or is it worth sticking around till the end??

If you could ever be thinking of me right now...
or if you ever wonder if you could be with me somehow....

For all i care, you can even let me know...
If to you, it was just another game??
or maybe something for you to be of shame...

I can't help but reach to the conclusion that you are unsure of what you want me to know...
However, i'm in no doubt that you can just at least let me know...
Is it time for you to be gone?
or clearly about time for me to move on.....???

A clear addiction

Just got to new york, haven't even checked in yet....I feel like i've been traveling for the past 48 hrs... or maybe i have!!?
Oh well reflective moments dont know when it is right to hit... so allow me to share a few experimental thoughts i had on the plane;

May i convey that:
I could be addicted to anguish and pain..
I could be addicted to earning a lesson through sorrow...
I could be addicted to attracting the "can't haves"...
I could be addicted to you.

I could be addicted to the feel of remorse..
I could be addicted to the need for forgiveness...
I could be addicted to a place i once knew...
I could be addicted to you....

I could be addicted to a forbidden thought...
I could be addicted to a challenge once shot..
i could be addicted to a dream never fought...
I could be addicted to you...

I could be addicted to a burning tear...
I could be addicted to a defying fear...
I could be addicted to letting go...
I could simply be addicted to you...

No grand conclusions here, except that i could well be unforeseeably and unreachably really addicted to you....

A soft comeback...

Its been over a year now since i last posted my thoughts....
We seem to be so vigilant over time yet everyone of us seem to be running in a stampede...
i choose for this past year to be on mute...i figured silence is what i need...
I can see and hear some banging... whispering gestures behind the glass...wisely ignored and instead i choose to focus on what may seem delusional. I figured the act of deluding is what i need...

A year older in age....a false notion that insinuates nothing but another year of learnings, another year of earnings, another year of gained wisdom!